Final Fantasy 7 Abridged (Part 1)

(Written by Joseph Hardy)

FADE IN:

EXT. MIDGAR – TRAIN STATION

CLOUD and BARRET enter the STATION in one of the most ICONIC INTRO SEQUENCES that has ever been REMADE for a PS3 TECH DEMO.

CLOUD:

Apparently I’m a serious elite soldier turned mercenary who only cares about cash. I also look fabulous in a silk dress.

BARRET:

I’m the leader of a group of freedom fighters and I have a gun for an arm. This has resulted in me being the butt of several wanking jokes.

They meet up with some OBLIGATORY STAR WARS THROWBACKS outside a REACTOR owned by SHINRA CORPORATION.

BARRET:

I want to save the planet from Shinra, so I’m going to blow up this reactor, and presumably kill hundreds of innocent people in the process.

He DOES.

INT. MIDGAR – SECTOR SEVEN

CLOUD and BARRET head to a BAR to relax and plan another BOMB RAID. They meet up with TIFA.

TIFA:

I’m a typical female protagonist who is Cloud’s “childhood friend”. I’m also fairly athletic despite having two baby manatees hanging from my chest.

Honk Honk

TIFA joins THE PARTY on their next act of TERRORISM.

EXT. MIDGAR – SECTOR FIVE

THE PARTY rigs the REACTOR to explode and are about to escape when they are AMBUSHED by a REALLY EASY BOSS FIGHT.

CLOUD:

That fight went so well I’m going to celebrate by falling hundreds of stories into the slums below.

Perplexingly, CLOUD survives the fall and wakes up in a CHURCH where he finds a FLOWER GIRL called AERIS.

AERIS:

Shinra keep trying to kidnap me because I’m the last surviving member of the Ancients… For now…

CROSSDRESSING happens. Afterwards the SHINRA CORPORATION kidnap AREIS and destroy SECTOR 7, killing the OBLIGATORY STAR WARS THROWBACKS in the process. CLOUD reunites with BARRET and TIFA.

BARRET:

Waaah! My daughter is dead!

CLOUD:

No she isn’t.

BARRET:

Oh ok, let’s go and rescue Aeris or whatever her name is!

INT. MIDGAR – SHINRA HQ

THE PARTY break into the SHINRA HQ where they run on TREADMILLS, answer POP QUIZZES, eavesdrop on BOARD MEETINGS and build SCALE REPLICAS of MIDGAR. Eventually they reach the FORESHADOWING DEPARTMENT.

TIFA:

What the hell is this thing?

BARRET:

It looks like a pair of tits with some harsh lighting effects.

CLOUD:

Oh that’s just Jenova. It’s a vaguely significant recurring boss that gives me a migraine whenever I look at it.

THE PARTY find a MAD SCIENTEST called HOJO.

HOJO:

If you’re looking for the Ancient, I’ve locked her in this chamber with a horny wildcat called Red XIII and some Barry White records.

CLOUD:

I don’t think breeding works that way.

HOJO:

Have fun trying to tell that to the fan-fiction writers!

BARRET tries to open the CHAMBER by SHOOTING IT! Amazingly it WORKS!

AERIS:

Let’s get out of here!

RED XIII:

Can I join you?

CLOUD:

Didn’t you just try and have sex with our healer?

RED XIII:

Yes.

CLOUD:

Whatever.

Red XIII will be voiced by Michael Fassbender in the remake.

THE PARTY tries to ESCAPE but are CAUGHT by PRESIDENT SHINRA.

PRESIDENT SHINRA:

Now that we have the Ancient, we can get her to lead us to the Promised Land so that we can build a bunch of crap on it!

THE PARTY gets locked up overnight. The next morning they are RELEASED and EVERYONE ELSE has been MURDERED.

TIFA:

Hey, Jenova’s gone and someone impaled the president on a totally bitchin’ sword!

CLOUD:

It must have been Sephiroth!

BARRET:

Who’s Sephiroth? Is he the final boss or something?

Suddenly RUFUS, the PRESIDENT’S SON enters.

RUFUS:

Sweet my dad’s dead, I’m the new president! I will honour him by being an even bigger bastard than he was!

CLOUD:

Ok guys, I’m going to fight this rich kid and his cat! Barret, Red XIII, take Aeris and fight the giant, killer robots in the lift! Tifa, you stand around and don’t do shit!z

THE PARTY fight their respective BOSSES and escape the SHINRA HQ on a CONVINIENT TRUCK while CLOUD escorts them on a MOTORBIKE.

EXT. MIDGAR – OUTSKIRTS

ROAD RASH happens. THE PARTY then fights yet another BOSS before leaving MIDGAR.

AERIS:

So what’s the deal with you and Sephiroth?

CLOUD:

He was an elite soldier like me and we went to my hometown, Nibelhiem, on a mission 5 years ago. While we were there I broke into Tifa’s house to steal her underwear and play some tunes on her piano…

RED XIII:

Get on with it!

CLOUD:

Anyway Sephiroth learned that he was cloned from Jenova and turned into a huge megalomaniac with an Oedipus complex. He burned down Nibelhiem and went off to find the Promised Land with Jenova. I tried to confront him but he gave me a seizure.

BARRET:

Cool story bro.

TO BE CONTINUED