(Written by Joseph Hardy)
EXT. NOT MIDGAR
THE PARTY resumes their hunt for SEPHIROTH but get SIDETRACKED by RANDOM BATTLES, MINIGAMES, PLOT RECAPS and BACKSTORIES. On their way they meet YUFFIE, CAIT SITH, VINCENT and CID.
I’m a ninja who steals stuff and gets travel sick. I’d probably be the thief of the party if the skill system hadn’t rendered every character interchangeable.
I’m a robot cat riding a stuffed animal being controlled remotely by a guy in Shinra. Why my battle mechanics aren’t affected by this, is a mystery.
I’m a collection of belts and zippers given life by professor Hojo. I’m dead upset about my last girlfriend being Sephiroth’s actual mum. Can I have a spin-off?
I wanted to be an astronaut but one of the scientists went OCD and cocked up the launch, causing the space program to be scrapped. I’m very angry and swear a lot, which basically makes me a less ethnic Barret.
THE PARTY eventually learns that SEPHIROTH is heading to the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS to find the BLACK MACGUFFIN.
INT. TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS
CLOUD, AERIS and CAIT SITH enter the TEMPLE while the rest of the PARTY waits OUTSIDE because only THREE PEOPLE can travel together at any one time. Eventually they find SEPHIROTH.
What are you planning to do with the Black MacGuffin?
I will summon a meteorite and crash it into the planet. When the planet gathers its magical energy to heal the impact, I will be reborn as a god.
How do you know that this plan will even work?
More to the point, why do you want to be the god of this boring-ass planet?
Ooh is that the time? I need to go for a 3 hour hair appointment.
Ok how do we stop Sephiroth from getting the Black MacGuffin?
Wait, I’m intercepting some exposition from the spirits of the Ancients. Apparently the temple IS the Black MacGuffin. There’s a switch that shrinks the temple but if you use it you’ll get crushed as well.
If only Barret were here to heroically sacrifice himself for the greater good. Oh well, we can send the robot.
CAIT SITH shrinks the TEMPLE and is CRUSHED. For some reason, this is treated as a TRAGIC DEATH SCENE.
Nice, now we can take the Black MacGuffin and keep it safe from Sephiroth.
Hey is that the Black MacGuffin? Could I have it please?
Sure, let me walk over and hand it to you reeeeaaaallllly slooooooowwwwwlllllly.
SEPHIROTH takes the BLACK MACGUFFIN and leaves, while AERIS stands around and WATCHES. A replacement CAIT SITH arrives shortly afterwards.
Well so much for my ultimate sacrifice, what’s going on? Why are you punching Aeris repeatedly?
I’m grinding for experience!
After some CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, CAIT SITH decides to INTERVENE.
EXT. FOREST OF THE ANCIENTS
CLOUD and AERIS find themselves in a FOREST where they FROLIC.
Cloud, don’t feel bad about the fact that you’ve just doomed the entire planet. I’m going to the city of the Ancients to pray for our safety, which is a totally legitimate plan in the face of Armageddon.
That sounds retarded, did you get brain damage or something?
Cut her some slack dude. You were punching her for ages!
CLOUD wakes up from his DREAM and heads off to SAVE AERIS.
INT. CITY OF THE ANCIENTS
THE PARTY finds AERIS praying on an ANCIENT GAZEBO.
Hey I’ve come to save you!
Save me from what?
SEPHIROTH totally KILLS AERIS! This is one of the most SHOCKING MOMENTS IN VIDEOGAMES to anyone who didn’t watch the TRAILERS or look at the BACK OF THE CD CASE.
What the hell? She didn’t even drop any good loot!
I’M VERY SAD! ALLOW ME TO DESCRIBE MY SADNESS IN DETAIL!
I’ll leave you with this segment of my mum and then I’m off to disc 2!
The CHUNK OF JENOVA immediately COLLAPSES UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT and DIES.
EXT. SWIMMING POOL OF THE ANCIENTS
CLOUD wades out into the WATER where he DUMPS AERIS’S BODY because he has run out of PHOENIX DOWNS.
I will always treasure the times I shared with Aerith, such as when I threw barrels at her and took her into a brothel,
or when we rode a boring gondola after I’d rejected her for a stage hand. And who could forget the time I almost chopped her tits off with my unreasonably large sword?
That was ten minutes ago!
CLOUD proceeds to BOMBARD THE PARTY with SELF-DOUBT, ANGST and ELLIPSES. Fortunately for him they are COOL WITH THAT.
TO BE CONTINUED
(Written by Joseph Hardy)